Can I just say that 'I give up' now?
I've had enough with my stupidity, my own lack of knowledge AND the motivation to persuade it.
What kind of idiot am I huh?!
Seriously... I'm not doing well in my study, especially in Finance and Business Law; I'm singing nuts recently for my competition coming in 2 weeks; I've been missing my LCCI classes for weeks; I'm always lazy to attend any event of my working cycle to socialize; I can't even think positively but keep complaining when I'm under PRESSURE/STRESS; I'm FARKING USELESS!!!
Can I just say that 'I give up' now?
Can I just give up in my singing? Can I just give up in my study? Can I just run away from my work? Can I stop my LCCI lesson? Can I just DIE?! FULL WITH REGRETS?!
Hell yeah, I'm contradicting myself! I know that I can't give up any of these... and I shouldn't. Why am I such a bastard that will not have the urge to persuade knowledge?? How come others can but I can't? If it's all up to me to decide, THEN WHY AM I ALWAYS MAKING THE NEGATIVE DECISIONS?!
I know that it's pointless to say all these, I know that it's impossible for me to just stop and rot then die, I know that life goes on, I know that there's nowhere to run, but still...
Can I just 'give up'?
-1.47am-
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Such 'Wonderful' Person in Life
Sometimes... some people just let me feel so.... fake.
I really hate the kinda person who hide things from me. What's wrong with telling me the truth? What passed is past, there is no need to hide, no need to hold back.
What's the deal with keep addressing me as 'brother' while trying to hide things from me and making me looks like a fool?!
It hurts... so much. Even though I'd once told myself to forget about what happened between the 3 of us, but what you're doing now is making it worse, to a certain extend where I feel like giving you a straight punch when you talk to me.
I knew that I should never take anybody as important anymore but... yea, I'm still dumb enough to take you as a brother, keep supporting you whenever you're down...I've never felt such intense anger and mood of crying for quite some times already, thanks for giving me that.
This heartache is far exceeded how it felt back then.
I guess I should just give up. I don't need/want such a friend, such a 'brother'. Thanks for all the helps you've given me thus far, truly appreciate that, including today's. But I really can't take it anymore.
You'll be the 1 person whom I can never forgive for my entire life time.
I'll still wish you a good life, for the last time.
and allow me to honestly curse you for once: FUCK YOU BASTARD!
sorry about that, but I mean it.
-12.23am-
I really hate the kinda person who hide things from me. What's wrong with telling me the truth? What passed is past, there is no need to hide, no need to hold back.
What's the deal with keep addressing me as 'brother' while trying to hide things from me and making me looks like a fool?!
It hurts... so much. Even though I'd once told myself to forget about what happened between the 3 of us, but what you're doing now is making it worse, to a certain extend where I feel like giving you a straight punch when you talk to me.
I knew that I should never take anybody as important anymore but... yea, I'm still dumb enough to take you as a brother, keep supporting you whenever you're down...I've never felt such intense anger and mood of crying for quite some times already, thanks for giving me that.
This heartache is far exceeded how it felt back then.
I guess I should just give up. I don't need/want such a friend, such a 'brother'. Thanks for all the helps you've given me thus far, truly appreciate that, including today's. But I really can't take it anymore.
You'll be the 1 person whom I can never forgive for my entire life time.
I'll still wish you a good life, for the last time.
and allow me to honestly curse you for once: FUCK YOU BASTARD!
sorry about that, but I mean it.
-12.23am-
Monday, August 30, 2010
Senseless Post
It's 1 of the worst day ever.
I've got no goddamn idea why am I so EMO/PISSED/MOODY for the whole day(yes, that's how I felt even though I might not have show it). Maybe because I've got not enough sleeps?
After the Kluang(Johor) performance yesterday, reach home about 1.40am, then slept around 3.30am, woke up around 4.45am.
Drove to KLIA to sent my lovely friend away (might be another reason why am I so EMO, LOL), drove all the way back ALONE for the 1st time. but of, I get to try and drive up to 190km/hr for like, 10sec? I was worrying that the petrol will die out on me anytime, but luckily it doesn't.
Back at home, face comp, slept for while, lunch, go to Uni.
back from Uni, go straight to UCSI for practice... after that went to makan with Johan and gang. Yeap, they're fun, they're adorable :)
Thanks to them I feel so friggin much better than I was before.
That babi Yuki is still so BABI! Won't pick up my call when I need someone to talk to (hope she won't see this). xD
Ah well, that ends my day.
26mins to go 'til 'Merdeka'. A friend asked me on fb just now, "How you gonna celebrate Merdeka?".
Well, good question. I would like to know the answer if anyone can provide me one.
24mins 'til 'Merdeka'...
That's it.
p/s:
I'm glad that Esien made it to Japan safely :)
I haven't done my accounting assignment that's due on Weds.
Have to rush up all the duet/quartet pieces before Saturday...
I think I've only slept for less than 3hrs (included lectures) today?
-11.36pm-
I've got no goddamn idea why am I so EMO/PISSED/MOODY for the whole day(yes, that's how I felt even though I might not have show it). Maybe because I've got not enough sleeps?
After the Kluang(Johor) performance yesterday, reach home about 1.40am, then slept around 3.30am, woke up around 4.45am.
Drove to KLIA to sent my lovely friend away (might be another reason why am I so EMO, LOL), drove all the way back ALONE for the 1st time. but of, I get to try and drive up to 190km/hr for like, 10sec? I was worrying that the petrol will die out on me anytime, but luckily it doesn't.
Back at home, face comp, slept for while, lunch, go to Uni.
back from Uni, go straight to UCSI for practice... after that went to makan with Johan and gang. Yeap, they're fun, they're adorable :)
Thanks to them I feel so friggin much better than I was before.
That babi Yuki is still so BABI! Won't pick up my call when I need someone to talk to (hope she won't see this). xD
Ah well, that ends my day.
26mins to go 'til 'Merdeka'. A friend asked me on fb just now, "How you gonna celebrate Merdeka?".
Well, good question. I would like to know the answer if anyone can provide me one.
24mins 'til 'Merdeka'...
That's it.
p/s:
I'm glad that Esien made it to Japan safely :)
I haven't done my accounting assignment that's due on Weds.
Have to rush up all the duet/quartet pieces before Saturday...
I think I've only slept for less than 3hrs (included lectures) today?
-11.36pm-
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
If U're in a relationship, married or none, read this. U'll know why at the end.
I don't know whether this or the Chinese version is the original, but it is truly worth a few seconds to share it and 5 minutes in your life to read it-- it might just save you from 'regret' before it's too late.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.
By Stephanie Halmilton
-3.15am-
Monday, August 2, 2010
爱上两个人的感觉……？
在 Facebook 里看见了一篇文章，标题是： 《爱上两个人的感觉》。
读完后，就觉得…… 不是吧？！这样的文章只会让夹在两个人中间的那个人更痛苦，更不知所措！
这样的情况/感觉，多数只会出现在女人身上吧？因为，只有多数的男生才会毫不犹豫地追求自己喜欢的女生，即使她
或许有点文不对题，但在你（不论男女）有着这一份感觉时
个人觉得，没有一段真爱是无须经过考验的。如果现在觉得
许多人看到这里都会觉得“你说得容易！大家在一起那么久
觉得自私吗？那先问问自己吧！有那段感情不是 ‘自私’ 的？有人会说，“我对他的爱是无私的、不求回报的！”。
自己的幸福永远都是最重要的。在感情里，‘自私’无罪！
愿天下有情人终成眷属~
读完后，就觉得…… 不是吧？！这样的文章只会让夹在两个人中间的那个人更痛苦，更不知所措！
这样的情况/感觉，多数只会出现在女人身上吧？因为，只有多数的男生才会毫不犹豫地追求自己喜欢的女生，即使她
或许有点文不对题，但在你（不论男女）有着这一份感觉时
个人觉得，没有一段真爱是无须经过考验的。如果现在觉得
许多人看到这里都会觉得“你说得容易！大家在一起那么久
觉得自私吗？那先问问自己吧！有那段感情不是 ‘自私’ 的？有人会说，“我对他的爱是无私的、不求回报的！”。
自己的幸福永远都是最重要的。在感情里，‘自私’无罪！
愿天下有情人终成眷属~
等等，好像忘了什么………………………………………………………………………………
糟糕！功课还没做完哪~~~ >____<"
-2.00am-
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
寂寞
觉得寂寞时，你会想起谁？
当你看见这问题时，你是否想起了谁呢？
如果，有一个人、一张脸、甚至一个名字或更多浮现在你脑海，那么恭喜，你并不寂寞。
如果，你想起的只有过去，还是过去…… 那请看一看自己身边，是否错过了什么。
如果， 你跟我一样，什么都不想想起，只觉得心里有个填不满，或根本不知该用什么来填满的空洞……那我只能对你说一句 “朋友，看开点吧！”。因为，我也只能对自己说同一番话啊……
寂寞的人，渴望着相聚，却又害怕相聚后的别离。 所以，寂寞的人通常都‘喜欢’独来独往……
寂寞的人，喜欢与文字为伍，因为寂寞的时候，陪伴着他们的除了文字还是文字……
寂寞的人，都喜欢听悲伤的音乐，不断地听，因为音乐中的旋律，就是他们感情的诠释……
寂寞的人，唱着寂寞的歌，写着寂寞的故事，不是因为他们喜欢寂寞，而是他们早已习惯了寂寞……
-12.50am-
当你看见这问题时，你是否想起了谁呢？
如果，有一个人、一张脸、甚至一个名字或更多浮现在你脑海，那么恭喜，你并不寂寞。
如果，你想起的只有过去，还是过去…… 那请看一看自己身边，是否错过了什么。
如果， 你跟我一样，什么都不想想起，只觉得心里有个填不满，或根本不知该用什么来填满的空洞……那我只能对你说一句 “朋友，看开点吧！”。因为，我也只能对自己说同一番话啊……
寂寞的人，渴望着相聚，却又害怕相聚后的别离。 所以，寂寞的人通常都‘喜欢’独来独往……
寂寞的人，喜欢与文字为伍，因为寂寞的时候，陪伴着他们的除了文字还是文字……
寂寞的人，都喜欢听悲伤的音乐，不断地听，因为音乐中的旋律，就是他们感情的诠释……
寂寞的人，唱着寂寞的歌，写着寂寞的故事，不是因为他们喜欢寂寞，而是他们早已习惯了寂寞……
-12.50am-
Friday, July 9, 2010
Genting Trip
Alrite, it's time to update a little! I've been lazy for quite some time, seriously.
5 days plan last week, mega-awesomely tiring but fun! The plans are:
2/7/2010 (Fri) - The gang came over to Cheras, my house basically. Fetch them to Sg. Wang to meet up with Kim, then drove over to Pavilion for Pepper Lunch! :D
It's damn good no matter how many times I take it! After that, spend some time at my house, Twister Frenzy, PS-2... took a lot of RETARDED photos, still waiting for those who have it to post it up. After that, went to Temptation for dinner! xD
3/7/2010 (Sat) - Went over to Chloe's house to stay over for a day, since we're departing from 1-U's bus station. I had fever dammit, out of a sudden -_-
So they kinda waste their time getting me some rest. After that, went to 1-U for dinner, shop for snacks, and get myself some medicine. Neurofen is damn friggin' effective, no joke! After I took it I feel so much better after an hr or two. I only took 2 of it and I'm all good the next day! :D
Anyways, we went to New York-Deli for Dinner(we went there last time when I was having fever too, lol) and bought hellotta snacks & some nice vodka from Cold Storage for genting :D
At night, spend some time for the King's Game.
JJ & me had a lot of 'fun' sleeping, thanks to the aquarium -_-
4/7/2010 (Sun) - Depart from Bus Station near 1-U, I got a solo seat(they ditched me T_T ), and ended sitting with a granny. The worst part is, when we were on the way, 2 aunties/grannies sitting in front and behind of me, keep pulling the farking curtain while leaving me vulnerable to the damn Solar power. I got grilled medium well, FARK!
After we check in & leave our stuffs near counter(since our room is not ready yet), we walked around First World and decided to go for archery then the haunted house. Archery is fun! Steph noob, HAHA! Haunted House wasn't all that scary, but Chloe grabbed my back friggin' tight all the way -_-
Then, we go for our Buffet lunch at Coffee Terrace which is included in the bus ticket package Lenne bought. It took us friggin' more than 30mins to look for it thanks to all those stupid directions given. We have to walk all the way from First World to Genting Hotel,dang it. The Buffet is fine, nothing special though.
After our lunch. we went all the back to First World for "Ripley's Believe It or Not" stadium. A lot of interesting stuffs to see, so much that we were almost late for our room.
Next, PS-2 section and bathing. It took around 2hrs for every1 to bath! Next time we have to get 2 rooms or else bathing will consume most of our time. Went to some Hot Pot for dinner, it was torturing thanks to the oil... lazy for details, for those who went, yea, no more Hot Pot at Genting -_-
PS-2 section resume, then girls went to bed. The guys, Lenne, Me & JJ, spend whole night chatting nonsense and slept around 5-6am. It's fun to have guy's talk once in a while though.
5/7/2010 (Mon) - Basically spend whole day for rides. I'm getting lazy so gonna skip all the details, lol. They ditched me again, got stuck with the love birds :(
Lunch @ KFC/Burger King. Dinner? the snacks we bought lolz. We played Twister, King's Game, murderer, etc. Those snacks served its purpose very well. Sleep after that.
6/7/2010 (Tues) - Basically, pack & ciao. Went for lunch, the friggin' economic rice I took cost me rm23, like, WTF?! But yeah, its Genting after all. We also went for arcade before we move to bus station, I never play much, but it's fun watching them play, haha. And guess what? they ditched me AGAIN for the bus, so yea, I got seated with an uncle, not as bad as last time though. I hold my curtain this time so that I won't get grill again, LOL
Then, mum picked me, Steph & Kim up at Chloe's house and yea, that's all for the trips! :D
Gosh, it's really a pain in da ass to update so many things at once! but I don't wanna forget any of it, so just gotta spend some time to write them down ~_~
Lastly, I'VE GOT MY PS-3 TWO DAYS(which is a day after Genting) AGO!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! It's FRIGGIN' COOL! The remote joy-stick pawns it all! I bought Star Ocean The Last Hope, it's quite awesome, not as much as I expected though, but still, GREAT!!! XD
Imma looking for Tales of Vesperia and cheap FF13 now, hope that I can get it asap~ ><"
Btw, GUNDAM-00 IS COOL! and 16th of July is my execution day- result coming out -_-
Ok, done with random + quick update, and now....
Omg I'm HUNGRY, food~~~~~~~~~>"<
-2.59pm-
5 days plan last week, mega-awesomely tiring but fun! The plans are:
2/7/2010 (Fri) - The gang came over to Cheras, my house basically. Fetch them to Sg. Wang to meet up with Kim, then drove over to Pavilion for Pepper Lunch! :D
It's damn good no matter how many times I take it! After that, spend some time at my house, Twister Frenzy, PS-2... took a lot of RETARDED photos, still waiting for those who have it to post it up. After that, went to Temptation for dinner! xD
3/7/2010 (Sat) - Went over to Chloe's house to stay over for a day, since we're departing from 1-U's bus station. I had fever dammit, out of a sudden -_-
So they kinda waste their time getting me some rest. After that, went to 1-U for dinner, shop for snacks, and get myself some medicine. Neurofen is damn friggin' effective, no joke! After I took it I feel so much better after an hr or two. I only took 2 of it and I'm all good the next day! :D
Anyways, we went to New York-Deli for Dinner(we went there last time when I was having fever too, lol) and bought hellotta snacks & some nice vodka from Cold Storage for genting :D
At night, spend some time for the King's Game.
JJ & me had a lot of 'fun' sleeping, thanks to the aquarium -_-
4/7/2010 (Sun) - Depart from Bus Station near 1-U, I got a solo seat(they ditched me T_T ), and ended sitting with a granny. The worst part is, when we were on the way, 2 aunties/grannies sitting in front and behind of me, keep pulling the farking curtain while leaving me vulnerable to the damn Solar power. I got grilled medium well, FARK!
After we check in & leave our stuffs near counter(since our room is not ready yet), we walked around First World and decided to go for archery then the haunted house. Archery is fun! Steph noob, HAHA! Haunted House wasn't all that scary, but Chloe grabbed my back friggin' tight all the way -_-
Then, we go for our Buffet lunch at Coffee Terrace which is included in the bus ticket package Lenne bought. It took us friggin' more than 30mins to look for it thanks to all those stupid directions given. We have to walk all the way from First World to Genting Hotel,dang it. The Buffet is fine, nothing special though.
After our lunch. we went all the back to First World for "Ripley's Believe It or Not" stadium. A lot of interesting stuffs to see, so much that we were almost late for our room.
Next, PS-2 section and bathing. It took around 2hrs for every1 to bath! Next time we have to get 2 rooms or else bathing will consume most of our time. Went to some Hot Pot for dinner, it was torturing thanks to the oil... lazy for details, for those who went, yea, no more Hot Pot at Genting -_-
PS-2 section resume, then girls went to bed. The guys, Lenne, Me & JJ, spend whole night chatting nonsense and slept around 5-6am. It's fun to have guy's talk once in a while though.
5/7/2010 (Mon) - Basically spend whole day for rides. I'm getting lazy so gonna skip all the details, lol. They ditched me again, got stuck with the love birds :(
Lunch @ KFC/Burger King. Dinner? the snacks we bought lolz. We played Twister, King's Game, murderer, etc. Those snacks served its purpose very well. Sleep after that.
6/7/2010 (Tues) - Basically, pack & ciao. Went for lunch, the friggin' economic rice I took cost me rm23, like, WTF?! But yeah, its Genting after all. We also went for arcade before we move to bus station, I never play much, but it's fun watching them play, haha. And guess what? they ditched me AGAIN for the bus, so yea, I got seated with an uncle, not as bad as last time though. I hold my curtain this time so that I won't get grill again, LOL
Then, mum picked me, Steph & Kim up at Chloe's house and yea, that's all for the trips! :D
Gosh, it's really a pain in da ass to update so many things at once! but I don't wanna forget any of it, so just gotta spend some time to write them down ~_~
Lastly, I'VE GOT MY PS-3 TWO DAYS(which is a day after Genting) AGO!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! It's FRIGGIN' COOL! The remote joy-stick pawns it all! I bought Star Ocean The Last Hope, it's quite awesome, not as much as I expected though, but still, GREAT!!! XD
Imma looking for Tales of Vesperia and cheap FF13 now, hope that I can get it asap~ ><"
Btw, GUNDAM-00 IS COOL! and 16th of July is my execution day- result coming out -_-
Ok, done with random + quick update, and now....
Omg I'm HUNGRY, food~~~~~~~~~>"<
-2.59pm-
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